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Apr. 15th, 2013

3 Years Later and I'm Still the Same

I'm Back. Just a little update. I currently am 18, in college, have two (about to be three) jobs, and do drugs regularly. I hate my life and what I have done with it. Marks on my arms and two suicide attempts in the past two years. Down to 115, and I'm 5' 7", (guess who's underweight!). Have been officially diagnosed with Manic Depression, and Hyperthyroidism but am not seeking treatment for either. I've started to drink my pain away with wine or use miscellaneous drugs. I smoke cigarettes constantly. I have little to no friends. My life is meaningless. I have come to realize we are all just little specs on a floating rock in the middle of a whole other world. When I die, I will be forgotten. This is true to everyone.

Mar. 7th, 2010

"restless tonight cuz i wasted the light"

3/07/10
 I had a ok day i guess. well i didnt break down and cry again like i did in Jacob's car. but it wasnt the best day either. is it normal to be in constant fear of their being a problem in my relationship? Well I am. I even had a dream that I liked someone else alot but I was so scared of breaking up with Zach I told the guy no. idk wht that means. Does it mean i dont like Zach? I dont even know if I have ever truly liked someone. maybe it was all fake. idk. also im becoming concerned with my weight again. I feel too big for anything, the other day i felt my stomach growl and i smiled...thing was i didnt even realize i did till someone asked me why i was smiling. idk. but banquet is in 19 days. So i have 19 days to get a dress, maybe new heels, and lose like 10 pounds. which should be possible since i start fasting tomorrow :) im so excited! :) plus im running after school everyday starting tomorrow :) if i could lose 10 pounds (without losing my boobs) i will be superrrr happy! but i have to budget on my dress cuz i have to pay for drivers ed the next week. soo im giving myself 50 dollars budget, which wouldnt be needed if Ashley would of let me stole it a week ago ugh shes such a goody goody sometimes :/ but i love her:) plus she is the only one who is ok with me when i talk aout excersicing more or fasting cuz she does it too:) but now i must go lay down and do the est of my homework that is due tomorrow. ugh i hate work, it makes my feet and ack hurt imensly :( oh well. bye

a little update


Dress Size: 6
Highest Weight: 136
Lowest Weight: 101
Goal Weight1:  120
Goal Weight2: 115
Goal Weight3:  105
Final Goal Weight: 100

Favorite Diet Food:  nothing
Favorite Binge Foodanything
Favorite Exercise: running forever
Favorite Thinspo: Bikini models
Where Do You Slip Up? every fucking meal
When Did It Start? My ed? 2 years ago
Does Anyone Know? no
Do You Want Help? no, i want to suceed
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? now i try to restrict as much as possible
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? everything, unfortunately
Are You In A Relationship? yes, almost 4 months now
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? I'm the fat one
Are You Depressed? I feel like i have been for 3 years
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? yes
Ever Been To A Psychologist? No

APPEARANCE
[  ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes. ALL THE TIME.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[  ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[  ] I have/had braces. (Does a retainer count?)
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.


BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[  ] I regularly drink.
[  ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[x] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[ ] My weight affects my mood
[ ] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[ ] I've purged
[x] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion (close to it this morning) 


I've done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants (no but my bf tries to give them to me)
[ ] Ecstasy
[  ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[  ] Cocaine
[ ] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[ ] I love food
[x] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[  ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself


Jul. 10th, 2009

(no subject)

havn't eaten anything in about 18 hours. i feel like shit cuz i just had a coke (160 cals), but my dad is making meat for dinner and since im a vegetarian i can have watever i want (nothing). but i'll tell my dad im having veggies and throw them away in my secret trash can. I think im going to give up fish too, since my dad wont let me become vegan. so, i went on the scale this morning, 135ish (my scale is crap so i can barely make out where the little red line is). ugh, its too much, i need to be 100, that is my UG.

Jun. 29th, 2009

survey thing i found


Dress Size: 6
Highest Weight: 136
Lowest Weight: 101
Goal Weight1:  120
Goal Weight2: 115
Goal Weight3:  105
Final Goal Weight: 100

Favorite Diet Food:  carrots
Favorite Binge Foodanything sweet
Favorite Exercise: jogging and swimming :).
Favorite Thinspo: Bikini models and mary kate! I love her!
Where Do You Slip Up? mornings and dinner
When Did It Start? My ed? last year
Does Anyone Know? my friends suspect but they dont actually know.
Do You Want Help? no, its not me who needs help, its all those obese people.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? now i try to restrict as much as possible
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? Thunder thighs, the belly of a sumo wrestler, and a girl who prays to god every night to take her life away
Are You In A Relationship? i just broke up with my boi, but im working on another one.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? I'm the fat one, always.
Are You Depressed? I feel like i have been for 3 years. ive attempted suicide twice, but no one even noticed.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? ive attempted suicide twice, but my dog found me both times, sad thing is she was the only one who noticed.
Ever Been To A Psychologist? Nope, and i dont plan too.

APPEARANCE
[  ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes. ALL THE TIME.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[  ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/had braces. (Does a retainer count?)
[  ] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.


BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[  ] I regularly drink.
[  ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[x] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[ ] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[ ] I've purged
[x] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion (close to it this morning) 


I've done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[  ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[  ] Cocaine
[ ] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[ ] I love food
[x] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[  ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself


6/29/09


So i went to workouts this morning for two hours, and i sweated the whole two hours. so today i was really stpid and ate a strawberry milkshake and 2 honey buns!! So im going to just drink some water for the rest of the day. I am really getting weak, but im ging to no longer give in, but there is a family party at my house tonight so im going to try and hide the food i get in my trash can in my room. so anyways im going to go take a nap :)

Jun. 27th, 2009

Day start

Im new to this, and i probally wont have any friends on here or anything but im still gonna write. 
         Well this is the 23rd day of summer for me, and its been shit. but today and yesterday i've started getting those cmments from people. So im going to just be happy and fake it like a big bitch. :)
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